I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
