I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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