I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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