Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
You are the jesus of drinking
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
