If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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