some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
