hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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