Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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