I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
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