I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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