bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
