you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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