My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
You work out of a Hotel?
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
