there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
