Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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