I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
sarcasm needs its own font
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
