dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
My bed is full of blood and feathers
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize