So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
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