So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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