dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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