if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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