Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Randomize
