Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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