ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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