Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Sorry my hands just texted you
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
