i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
