man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
