If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
