dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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