those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
