if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
