upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
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