whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
he thought i was a dude.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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