there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
