I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
