I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
