I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize