So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
