i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
