I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
where are you?
Hypothermia
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
