I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
