i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
