I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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