I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
