Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Randomize
