note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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