did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
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