obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize