He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
