before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
