You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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