I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
