I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
