You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
