Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
